Kitti's Konundrum
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Monday, March 30, 2009
Well I was right about the job, I've been given my 30 days and I finish on the 26th of April.
It sucks because I know it's nothing that I've done wrong; they just can't afford to keep me. I’m panicking, we’ve just signed another lease and I’m meant to be paying off my loan and I’m going through the money I do have at a shocking rate.
I just have no idea what the hell to do and it’s killing me. All I want to do is go home and cry but of course the robot Paul can’t understand why I’m stressed and just gets shitted off at mad and picks on me. On top of everything his decided that we should go on a holiday. All that is going to achieve is that when we get back we’re going to be in a heap of money troubles and start fighting again.
Somebody give me some good news.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
I’m worried about work, they really don’t need me here, it’s just don’t busy enough.
At what point do you stand up and say “f you I’m not going to do something just so no body cracks it at me?” I keep missing out on things that I really want to do just to keep others happy, or maybe I’m just becoming more selfish. Where’s the line?
I want more tattoos and a micro dermal but I have a feeling I should pay off my loan first and keeping my job may be a good idea (they really don't like the ones I have now).
If you meet yourself now when you we’re 13 would you like yourself?
Thursday, October 30, 2008
I know it's awful but I found it really funny when I heard cows got carried away in the floods. I pictured a surfing cow :)
Saturday, October 18, 2008
My party is in 5.5 hours. I'm scared as all hell
Friday, October 17, 2008
It's my birthday today. The big 21! Haha. I'm having the best day.
After about a month of being pissed off with the boy because I thought he wasn't going to get me anything I come home on Wednesday to a house full of about 200 candles! I walk into the kitchen and there is the most beauitful bunch of flowers that I have ever seen, love notes stuck all over the walls, happy birthday spelt on in candles and a wooden box with buddah on the top.
What's best is inside the box was all the things that I had given back to him when we broke up, everything I loved and thought I had lost.
I turned around and on a book stand was the book I had made him last christmas! When we broke up I had ripped the whole thing up, every page was in like 10 pieces and he had saved every bit and put it back together. It was the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me.
To top things off I got the job I wanted! No more working weekends or nights, I have a real 9 to 5 job! I must admit I wasn't too worried about the job things, on tuesday I got a job at a chocolate place which seemed really good but was pretty far away and may have been crappie hours. This job is normal hours, the people seem really nice and it's so close to home.
Haha I'm so happy I don't even care about all the spelling mistakes.
My party is tomorrow night which I'm really nervous about but the boy and best friend have said they'll make sure I have fun.
Just hope everyone turns up!
Love you all, oh and go Nat and Max. 7 years!
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
11:15PM
I love him but I don't like him.
I don't know if it's enough
Monday, September 29, 2008
So we got a filing cabinet all good, it was cheap and you can put stuff in it, should be easy.
So far I've been back to K-mart 3 (three!) times just for the folders that go in it. Twice because the tabs, which on the box said they were included, were not included and the third because the files are too big for the cabinet.
I really just had to bitch about this, I tried telling the boy but he just said I was a dumb ass.
Really getting files should not be so hard
Monday, September 22, 2008
It's now clear that moving in with the boy was a mistake.
He works so much and I hardly work, I spend most of my day upset/crying and trying to find things to do. He comes home, after working really long hours, to me in an awful mood and we fight.
If I keep busy during the day , with work or seeing Mum, then the nights arn't that bad but when I've been by myself and lonely all day I just can't take it anymore and my mood shows it.
I keep telling myself that we I get more work things will be better but I don't know when that's going to happen or if it will work.
I love him so much but I don't know if it's enough. His not a caring person, and I guess that's one of the main problems.
I think I'll look into going back on to anti-depressives tomorrow, although it's something I'll have to keep from him. He thinks the meds are the reason why I'm like this and that I have to just toughen up but I'm getting to the end of my rope and don't know what else to do.
Yep...it's one of those entrys again.
I've applied for a course to do next year but the VTAC website is so confusing, I feel like I havn't done something necessary and I won't get into the course. Hopefully I'll get someone helpful when I ring them tomorrow and be able to work it all out.
He keeps telling me that I need to make more friends... I agree with him but I've only ever made one friend by myself, everyone has always been a friend of a friend. I guess I'm scared of being regretted plus how the hell do you make friends when your at home all day?
I'm lost so I'm venting. I should've gone to Europe but then I would have never seen him again.
I wish someone could just tell me what to do.
Monday, September 15, 2008
I love living out of home, you know I get my own space, get to eat what I want it's all good
But I'm so lonely and bored.
It wouldn't be so bad if I had a good job with normal hours but i don't have work until 2 pm on wednesday. It's driving me insane.
I've already done washing (then it rained) and got all the stuff for dinner.
I just really hope I get lots of work soon cause this really sucks
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Well I'm moved out of home again and in with the boy at a lovely little place in Lilydale. (I've all ready had many "talkings" to by people so I don't need anymore, if it goes wrong again your all allowed to say I told you so)
Anyways...
It's a nice little three bedroom home (it's actually big enough to call a home!), so we have separate rooms for the mac and for Brett (all the important things :) ). And strangely enough I love that it's in Lilydale, still close to my work and Mum and Dad, an hour away for Paulie to go to work but he can deal :).
We're having a house warming soon, if you didn't get an invite tell me! Your all welcome to come but I was tired when I did it so I may have missed you without meaning to.
I also just got a job at Coles, not too excited about it but I'm sick of working for small places. I want to be paid the right money and be given breaks, I figure their so big that if they don't do things right I'll at least have a union to go and complain to. Also it'll be easier for me going to tafe next year, I'm sure they have lots of people that can fill in for me taking the same days off every week unlike the little places I've worked.
Oh yer tafe- I forgotten I haven't done a public entry in a while.
I've decided that I need to grow up and get a real job so I've applied for tafe next year to do Business Admin, sounds fun hej? I just want a normal 9 to 5 job and to do that you need a friggen degree, but it will all be worth it in the end when I can have a stress free job of entering things into a computer.
I must admit my main problem with the house isn't with the house at all, it's with the boy or at least the boy's hate of the people 2 houses down. I don't think that they're that bad, I mean people are allowed to play with their cars on a Saturday afternoon but any noise that he doesn't make pisses him off. For somebody that is so easy going his a stress head when it comes to noise.
Well it's short and sweet but at least it's an entry, shall try and write more if people are reading.
Have fun kiddies.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
7:49PM
Renting sucks!
What sucks more is trying to find a place to rent!
Thursday, June 26, 2008
5:58PM
I'm kind of jealous of the life I'm supposedly leading.
- Zach Braff
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
3:45PM
Had enough.
Feel betrayed by what were the most important people in my life.
Moving on.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
I don’t understand why he couldn’t have decided this earlier.
All that his done is screw up my life.
I left my friends.
Turned down jobs.
Wasted money.
And for what?
So he can turn around and tell me that I’m to emotional?
What the fuck?
Of course I’m emotional, I’ve been really sick.
He doesn’t like brett, his said that he couldn’t care less if him and brett were friends.
So of course brett chooses to hang out with him.
He speaks so much shit and then wants everyone to like if.
He tells me he loves me after we break up, and that he wants to take things slow then does this.
How am I meant to be?
I feel like I have no friends. There’s lots of people that I would count as friends- as in I can go out with them and have fun, talk shit or what ever but there’s no one that I can just ring up and go have a coffee with. It’s killing me because there’s so many people I want that with but just don’t know how to do it.
Why does he think he can do this? What gives him the right?
Worse of all I know that this is because of something brett has said. I hate being mad at him but his doing so many things to make me at the moment.
Monday, April 28, 2008
18 months ago:
Now:
Yer I'm feeling like sick so I'm in a strange mood again
I really would love to know who reads this, please tell me
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Well as it turns out I'm allergic to Gardasil, the cervical cancer shot thingy.
I'm not to sure whether I should wait until I get into a doctor or go to the hospital, I think seeing as I got the shot a last Friday I should be ok.
The symptoms suck arse!
I think I may have to kill my doctor, buy then his actually a really nice guy.
I'll just hurt him really badly.
Somebody make me soup?
I don't care that I'm being a little bitch; I didn't force you to read this now
Thursday, April 17, 2008
I haven’t posted a viewable entry in a while so I thought that I'd do it now.
Oh yes I have secret journal entrees
I'm pretty sure that I'm about to be fired from my fancy job.
Story: A while ago my boss offered me fulltime and a manager position, I was over the moon because only a week early we had discussed what days and hours I wanted to work and we both agreed. Everything was sweet.
The day that I gave my other job my '2 weeks' and went in to sign the paper work my boss told me that the hours needed to change a little bit.
It went from Wednesday to Friday 9-6 and one day and one night on the weekends to being Wednesday night, Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday night and Sunday day and night.
Little change hej?
Anyway I turned it down, I was still with Paul at that time and we just would have crumbled if I worked those hours (haha if only I knew).
Since that time my boss has dropped his nice guy mask and has been canceling my shifts without telling me, not giving me my tips and just normal barstard behavior.
About 2 weeks ago he hired a new guy, not very clever but nice.
He has been told that he will get full time, although not all of the crappy hours, and now I find out that his working my cancelled shifts.
It's not the end of the world, I still have another job and that's going really well, I've just been trained to close and was given my own set of keys :)
It just really anoys me that not only is this guy going to take my job and my boss won't even tell me but the fact that I've been told to train him with everything.
On other news as most of you may know I've moved back to my parent's place.
It really doesn't feel like I'm 'meant' to be here. We don't really know how to act around each other, I ask things like can I use the bathroom to have a shower because it's not mine and they get annoyed because I'm asking.
I'm very grateful that they took me back in but I really want to kill them.
Strangely Wayne has been amazing and I don’t want to kill him.
I'm also so sick of lying to everyone.
It's no major thing like "oh so-and-so said this about you" or any international cover-ups I just feel like no one gives a shit so I don't tell them the truth.
Really who wants to be friends with someone that is upset all the time?
So I say that I'm fine, that I'm glad it happened, that I'm enjoying myself but it's all shit. And really I'm not that convincing, people know that it's not true, but it's easier then trying to help when there's nothing you can do.
I also realize that I'm not helping myself, I don't want to go out or see people, I don't feel 'safe' around them. (Safe for a lake of a better word)
I know that the amount of work that I'm doing later is making me sick, I can feel myself getting tired and heavy again. But I can't seem to stop. I'm feeling kind of like a train wreck waiting to happen.
But on the bright side I do love most of the people I work with.
At the posh place I have my kitchen boys, JD and Crissy who all are completely fucked in the head and lovely.
Then at the cafe I have Stu and Yas, your normal go to church, don't swear lovely people, and Keely a 17 year old kind of a skank but I say that in the nicest way possible.
I hate to admit it but I really think work has helped me get through some of this shit.
Of course this massive journal will probably be void in about 10 minutes as my mood swings are getting ridiculous.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
10:01PM
I'm in such a confused state at the moment.
I'm upset that I'm not upset if that makes sence.
I feel like that after 1 and a 1/2 years I should be miserable that I'm not with him anymore, but I'm not. I'm kinda the happiest I've been in a while.
I just wish I wasn't so anrgy.
I can deal with everything, the stress of moving again, everyone pitying me and saying sorry, and of course the strange convos that people love to put me in at the moment, but it's the lying that's geting to me.
I caught him out today so why just not tell the truth instead of blaming everyone else?
Also why draw it on this long if his felt like it for ages?
Even with all that I'm worried for him, it never occured to me how mentally unstable he was. Maybe I thought I could fix it?
I don't think that I would change anything except for how long it dragged on for. I learnt so much the last year or so that I wouldn't have without him.
Just wish that it could have ended on good terms.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
11:50PM
Broken up with Paul.
As explained to Roach: Normally when I went to my parent's I would take a bottle of whiskey this time I brought everything I could fit in the car. Yer I'm serious this time.
Thinking of telling him to read my private journal to see what I've been thinking but that may be a bit petty.
Next step: Work out where I lost my social life and get it back.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
It started off as Paul, Cassie and me driving on a road somewhere, it kinda reminded me of a bush road. We decide to let Cassie drive and for a while she does very well. As we enter a dirt road it starts to rain and she beings to lose control. The car won't lose speed even as I put the hand break on and take over the wheel. The car spins out of control and we crash.
When we wake up and are no longer us. In our place are two guys where me and Cassie were sitting and a male kid were Paul was. Nothing new as the characters in my dreams often change.
It's now completely pouring down with rain. One of the males looks out and sees a little boy on the road with a car coming in the distance. He gets out of his car a quick as he can and runs to the boy while waving his arms in hope of stopping the car. Just before he gets to the child it turns around and he can see that's it's all black and white with black eyes and a gaping black hole where the mouth should be. Just before the car hits the child lets out an awful scream.
The guy turns around and sees a group of these black and white kids, all screaming. He runs back to the car and tells the child in the back to put his head under his jumper and not to listen to anything. The men then start to put blankets and sheets over all the windows. The screams go on all night.
In the morning they get out and look around. The road is still a little wet but it's a sunny day. As they turn to go back to the car they see little finger prints all over it.
Then I woke up.
I am now shit scared of going back to sleep.
Someone wanna tell me what the hell it means!
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